I have a broken heart. I have for awhile now. I function pretty well with it, most of the time.

But it's time to start letting that wound heal. I've decided that we're going to stop trying to get pregnant, for now. We are 17 months into our journey, 9 on our own and 8 under the direction of a wonderful Dr. We've done 5 rounds of Clomid with no pregnancies, not even a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage. I don't even know how many pregnancy test I've taken, hoping for 2 pink lines.

From what my Dr. tells me, loosing weight will do more for me that the Clomid would/could. However, the depression and fertility drugs have caused a weight gain of 14 pounds over the last 6 months, putting me 37 pounds away from my weight when I got pregnant the first time. Rather than continue expensive and sometimes unpleasant treatments, I'm going to work on getting back to that weight and help restore a healthy balance of hormones.

Almost daily, Zoe asks for a brother or a sister, and my only response, " I'm trying. I promise I'm trying." I had high hopes that one or two rounds of Clomid would be my magic cure and I would have a baby sin no time. With each month, those hopes have slowly declined. I'm coming to learn that this trial is not going to be solved quickly, it just isn't.

So many things have changed over the last 6 months. So many opportunities and positive things have happened for us and yet, this open wound continues to hurt. While my long term plans/hopes/prayers are to have a bigger family, I can't have it consume me anymore. I will be starting school in January and honestly, I can't have this giant sore spot and function with all my other responsibilities.

I know healing takes time, a long time. But I have been given a unique opportunity to return to college while we are here for another year in Rexburg, something I've always wanted to do. I thought for sure when I got laid off in July, that the Lord was planning on sending me a sweet spirit, I was just sure that was the reason. It wasn't.

I'm still not sure the exact reason, but I am grateful for the opportunity to attend college and still be a stay at home mom. I know being laid off was a blessing. I know that sounds impossible, but we have been so blessed since then. We moved to the most perfect place for us. The wards were re-organized just weeks after we moved and we were assigned to a ward with the most amazing new Bishop, who knows and understands our circumstances better than almost anyone I know. We enjoy our neighbors and are making friends. It was not as devastating financially as I had anticipated, and I'm increasingly surprised at how things are just continually coming together.

I also know this prolonged trial has a purpose, and a multi-fold purpose at that. I've met and connected with so many wonderful women who have experienced or are experiencing infertility as well in just these last few months. It has brought Ryan and I together in our marriage, reaffirming all the reasons I married him and letting me discover several more wonderful things about him.

It has given me such gratitude for the sweet little girl I do have. Each, "I love you, mommy" holds more meaning and it doesn't seem ordinary anymore. I cherish the photos of her and am so grateful I scrapbook and have those pictures and words to look back on.

It has made me closer to Jesus Christ and My Heavenly Father. I rely on my priesthood blessings and scriptures to help me endure to the end. My new prayer is not only to endure to the end, but endure gracefully. I want to arrive at the end of this trial with a smile on my face.

I am choosing to start letting go, not to be confused with loosing hope. I am hopeful we will one day have more children, but I've decided to let the pain start to leave me. I don't need the pain anymore. I don't have room for it anymore. It's not going to stop me from my other goals or accomplishments. I am confident this is not the end of our infertility journey, but in the meantime, I have better things to do than be sad.

Thank you to my friends and family who read this. Thank you for your continued support and kind words. It has and continues to make a difference for me.

I'll leave you with my new favorite scripture, in Luke 1:37

" For with God, nothing shall be impossible."

Breakfast Smoothie Recipe

So I struggle with breakfast. Not the eating it part, but eating the right foods part. I prefer my breakfast in bar form (protein bar, granola bar, etc) but really, I have the time to make breakfast and I should eat real food whenever I can.

I stumbled upon this recipe on Pinterest, but ended up changing it because of what I had in the house.

Original Recipe:

• 1 cup ice
• 1/2 cup frozen raspberries
• 1/2 cup plain lowfat yogurt
• 1 banana
• 1/2 cup old-fashioned rolled oats
• 1 tablespoon honey
• 1 cup coconut water (or other liquid, such as juice)

Link

My Version:

1 Cup Ice

1/2 cup frozen blueberries

1/2 cup frozen strawberries

1/2 cup rolled oats

2 TB. oat bran

1 cup fresh grape juice ( I'm lucky, my grandparents make all natural juices from their garden and it has no added sugar, just fresh pressed juice)

I didn't add any honey because between the berries and grape juice I thought it would be sweet enough. It was good. Probably would have been better with the honey, but oh well;

This smoothie makes 2 servings and it's very filling.

I've heard good things about green smoothies, but have yet to venture into that category yet.

Walk it Off

I saw this image on Pinterest a few days ago. I pinned it and moved on. I ultimately came back to it and read through the workout.

It's a walking routine with bursts of cardio and strength training.

I tried it out tonight, and WOW, it was definitely a workout. My legs are a little shaky, not gonna lie. I did this workout at the school track. At first it was a little embarrassing to be doing squats and lunges while walking, but after about 15 minutes, I was rocking out to my music and didn't care anymore. Better that I'm doing something, then nothing, right? Right.

With my new found free time, I promised myself I would get back to this blog and to taking better care of myself. I'm not promising words of wisdom here, I'm just promising to put more of me out there.

I encourage you to try this workout. It's free, you just have to enter your e-mail address

HERE is the link.

Do you have any favorite work out routines? If so, please share in the comments.

Fizzle Out

I know diet soda isn't good for you, but it is my vice, my crutch, and I believe it is holding me back from fully committing to a healthier diet and exercise routine. I guess in my mind I associate soda with being unhealthy, so I feel like if I'm still drinking the soda, it's pointless to do the other things that I know are good for my body.

I've recently been doing some reading about weight loss and the liver. Basically, the liver is the filter of our bodies, and also the fat burner. What I got from the reading, is that if you are filling your body with chemicals and processed foods, then your liver is too busy getting rid of those toxins to do anything else. While the other things like carbs are waiting to get processed, your body releases insulin, which then causes those sugars to get stored as fat.

Ok - they explained it SO much better, but it opened my eyes to how diet soda, while not high in calories, is causing me to retain or gain weight. Which I doubt I will ever be soda free, I am now finding I'm not enjoying my diet cokes as much as I was, simply because I know what it's doing to my body now.

berries, greek yogurt, and chopped almonds - a new found snack

So I'm working on it.
I'm working on more water, less soda.
 I'm working on more protein, less carbs.
I'm working on more whole foods, less processed.
I'm working on more best, less better.

It's a process. I know that. But I'm moving forward and I think that counts for something.

Time Out for Women - Part Two

The second half of our evening, we were addressed by Virginia Pearce, who spoke on forgiveness.

I thought it was interesting that the theme was, "Seek the Good," and that was what she chose to speak on. I really felt like her message was to seek forgiveness. To truly, deep down desire to forgive those who have wronged us.

She filled her time with stories of those in incredibly difficult situations, in which those individuals sought after forgiveness, with the help of our Heavenly Father. She read Ephesians 4:32,

" And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another..."

The word tenderhearted rang with me. I thought of all the people in my life who possess that wonderful quality. Who are slow to anger and to offend - gentle, tender people. I think the world has a tendency to harden us. To make it difficult to be tenderhearted - but that is something I think I need to be more conscious of. 

I'm blessed that most of my issues that I need to forgive are small. But I remember a time in my life when it was a challenge to forgive. It took years - and it was hard to carry around that wound for so long. 

Another point she made ( and one I think we all know to be true) is that carrying around the anger, doesn't hurt our offender, it hurts us. She also shared that forgiveness should be between us and Christ, because he already paid for the sins of our offender. That was a new way to look at it for me.

Throughout the event, Macy Robison, sang and performed a monologue about her life and struggles finding her path. The music was beautiful and left me in tears. I encourage you to check her out on iTunes.

Although I would have loved to attend the Saturday portion, we only had tickets for Friday - and I believe I heard exactly what I need to hear on Friday night. On the ride home, Jamie and I agreed, we both felt several of the things said, were meant just for us to hear.

Funny how that always seems to be the case.

Time Out for Women - Part One

I was so lucky to be invited to this event by my dear friend, Jamie.

Me and Jamie waiting for the event to begin

Time Out for Women, is a wonderful event filled with speakers and musical numbers that fill your soul with joy and a new resolve. At least that's what is was for me.

It was a great reinforcement of the feelings I felt the day I felt inspired to start this blog.

I feel like I want to write in 100 different directions and trying to narrow it down is so difficult for me because I have so much I want to share!

The first speaker last night, John Bytheway, used an analogy of a marinade for his talk. He said,

"Regardless of your original intent, You will eventually become what You surround yourself with."

Which I believe relates to the phrase, "You are what you eat." If you put crap food into your body, expect that it will not work the best of it's ability. Expect it to be slow, tired, and achy. If we are surrounding ourselves with bad music, and TV shows, even negative people and thoughts - that's what we will become. 

The positive side of this metaphor, is that we choose what we surround ourselves with. We are in control of the music we put on in the car, the books we buy or check out from the library, the channel the remote stops on. We are also in control of the type of people we surround ourselves with. 

He then poised several questions about the type of people we are and how are actions may be "marinading" others.

Are we uplifting friends? 

What books are we sharing with our friends? 

What movies are we going to see together?

 What are our topics of conversation? 

Quite thought provoking questions, right?

All of the things he said, amounted to this,

" Fill your mind with thoughts of Christ.

Fill your hearts with the love of Christ.

Fill your lives with service."

This sentiment rang with me. If I really want to be a better person, wife, mother and friend - that is what I need to be doing. That is where my focus needs to be. Period. 

I'll be back tomorrow with Part Two from Time Out for Women.

Change Hurts

Tonight I did something different. Instead of putting Zoe to bed, then heading to my scrapbook room, I put on my running shoes, workout clothes and headed to the track at the school.

I told myself I wanted to walk for 60 minutes straight. After 15 minutes, I wanted to quit, I told myself one more lap. After that lap, I just kept walking. and walking, and walking. I went through laps where I would tell myself, " at the end of this lap, I'm gonna stop, 30 minutes is good for one night."

But somehow when that lap was coming to an end - I would get a burst of energy. I'm proud to say - I did it!
Now, my feet are throbbing and I don't know how well I will be walking in the morning, but I did it.

I'm not making huge strides, but I really like to say, " Something is better than nothing."

Today I did something.

Choosing to go to the gym over sitting in my craft room may not seem like a big choice, but it is for me. I know in order to make time for other worthwhile things in my life, I have to make some changes with where I am devoting my time currently.

I have some personal goals to drop some weight and be more active. None that I specifically want to share - but a smaller me is the direction I'm heading. With the prospect of adding another member to our family hopefully in the near future, I really want to prepare my body to house another little one the best it can.

I'm no where near where I want to be - but today I took a step in the right direction, and I think that's worth something.